Emmett Cullen Goes To Day Camp
by pleasebiteme
Summary: It is what the title suggests. Stupid and random and ridiculous and beautiful. R&R :D Rated T just in case.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I ate Stephenie Meyer and took custody of the Cullens and Twilight and her turtle. That she probably doesn't have. :**

"Why is Emmett pouting?" Bella asked Edward as they lounged on the couch in the Cullen's vast living room.

Edward chuckled. "He's…bored," he said. It sounded much like there was a lot more to it.

Bella propped herself up on the couch and raised her eyebrows.

"Would you like to elaborate?"

"I would, really…" he replied unsurely.

Bella giggled. "Edward, you're not seriously hesitant in telling me what _Emmett_ is thinking?"

Edward sighed and grinned. "True. He'd tell everyone anyway."

"So…?"

"When we were hunting last weekend, there was this ad…"

Bella waited patiently.

Edward shook his head. "I don't know how I'm going to get this out with a straight face, because the idea is completely absurd."

"Okay, I'm gonna walk away from you and ask Emmett in about three seconds, Edward." Her patience was short-lived.

"He wants to go to day camp," he managed.

Bella's face was torn. To laugh or not to laugh? She laughed. "As a _camper_?"

"No, as a counselor."

"Oh."

"But still, Bella. Picture Emmett, the giant vampire, surrounded by little kids with glitter on their foreheads."

"Well, if they have glitter on their foreheads, then they must at least be making an effort to be more like him!"

Edward shook his head yet again.

In response, Bella pouted. Yet again.

"EMMETT CULLEN!" she shouted.

He walked up to them sheepishly. "Yes?" he asked, smiling innocently.

"You. Are an idiot."

**See, I've been playing around with random loose-plotted stories, like the...squirrel one.**

**Not sure if I'll continue this or not.**

**Anyone interested in seeing Emmett in Day Camp? **


	2. camouflage

**Disclaimer: I HAVE NONE GO AWAY.**

The entire family was stifling laughter as we gazed at the sight before us. Emmett Cullen was definitely the most eccentric being I've ever encountered.

Carlisle stood at the center of the living room gaping at Emmett's…ensemble, and was first to speak.

"What…exactly…are you dressed for?" Apparently, he wasn't very well informed.

"Death camp," I answered him gleefully.

Edward chuckled and revised me with, "for little glitter-happy children."

Carlisle shook his head in both confusion and incredulity as he walked away.

"So what do you guys think?" our camper asked with a wide, childish grin.

We all murmured in avoiding answering his question and turned our heads awkwardly. _We think you look ridiculous, Emmett._

"C'moooooooon, guys!" he whined.

Rosalie was first to interject. "Well…I'm not quite sure what to think of it…"

On his first layer, he chose a camouflage tee shirt. Not so bad. On the second one, a camouflage vest. The contradictory part; it was pink. His shorts were pretty average, other than the unnecessary tool belt he was wearing. I would bet that every single person standing in the same room as him would ask what it was for. No one did. His backpack was purple. Yes, purple. And it was evident that it was of a weight that only a vampire could carry. I guessed that if I even thought about touching it, that it would fly off his back and go out of its way to crush me.

"What the hell," I whispered to Edward. Emmett, being a vampire, heard be perfectly.

"Camp the hell!" A couple of strange looks were shot at him. Emmett will think any which way he'd like.

"Emmett, honey…" Esme began, trying to take a shot at it. "Are you sure you look…normal?"

"I was! Until you pointed out that I don't."

"We didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but—" Rosalie started.

"Hurt my feelings? I now realize that I look better than I thought I did!"

I shrugged. Sounded good enough.

"Now if you all will excuse me, I'm going to miss the bus."

_Oh, God,_ I thought.

I saw a grin spread across Edward's face. "And what will you do about lunch?"

"Um, duh?" he replied. "I'm going to be in the woods, dear brother."

"You can't leave your children unattended."

"I'll eat when I get home get off my back bye!" he said in a rush.

And so he was out the door. "He said 'I'll eat when I get home'. What the hell." I commented, using that phrase for probably the tenth time that day.

Edward shook his head. "I'm so sorry that thing has to be an influence in your life."

I laughed. "That's okay. Renee gave me a vest just like that anyway."

**I take so long posting new stuff.**

**Sorries!**

**Well, it be here, if anyone's looking.**

**R&R :)**


	3. camp ho echoes

**Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING. Not Twilight, or Camp Ho, or Camp Echo. :)**

Emmett's POV:

The bus smelled like farts.

This isn't at all how I pictured it. I mean, really. Where are the bus songs sang in unison and the gleeful children? As far as I could tell, the kids were all intent on one thing: annoying the hell out of their awesome counselor.

One of the Satan-chilren was kicking the back of my seat. Another was running around with peanut butter on his face. Where on bus did he get peanut butter? It was strictly prohibited!

There were only two girls in the entire group and they looked miserable. I guess they thought what I thought and thought wrong. Poor kids. I went to sit with them, hoping to cheer them up, but their eyes grew wide.

"Hi!" I greeted them, grinning.

"Hello," they said simultaneously and hesitantly. What part of me frightened them? Oh. Perhaps my huge size and intimidating outfit.

Suddenly, one of the girls, the one with the dark hair and light skin, shrieked as she dodged a flying…something or other. Ew. That's pretty nasty, man.

I knew what I had to do. This was my job! I stood at the front of the bus and put my hand on my hip.

"Everybody sit down!" I ordered, humanly loud if I may say so myself.

I saw the shock on all the hooligans' faces, as well as the fright that came with it. They all sat in their seat and waited for further instructions. Oh, the power!

"Okay," I continued, sounding awfully nice again. "So I'm your buddy Emmett." I grinned. "We're gonna be arriving at the super-ific campsite soon, so I want you all to stay in your seats and prepare for the fun-filled fun-fest that awaits us for our fun adventures!"

I saw one of the boys towards the way back giggling.

"Is there something you wanna say, little child?"

"Noooooooooooooooooooo," he answered. "Just that you're WEIRD!"

The kid next to him 'oooooh-ed' as if it were the biggest burn ever.

"Thanks!"

The bus stopped at the wooden sign that read "Camp…Ho?"

"Oh, okay, I see," I murmured to myself as I took out my handy dandy sharpie. I opened the really fat side and wrote the letters 'EC' in large print. "Much better."

Time for fun!

**I feel so speedy. I'm updating stuff so fast. Perhaps I'm on a roll...**

**-ponders-**

**Probably not, I just have more time on my hands since its the weekend. :D**

**R&R.**


	4. you turn me on

**Disclaimer: gwah! ...va? oh & i don't own demetri martin. :o(**

EMMETT POV!

Mid-day, I found myself shamefully hiding in the midst of the trees. Since when did indestructible, giant vampires hide from eight year olds?

Since they evolved into vicious beasts.

Beasts!

I sat in the middle of the forest, seriously considering eating them.

Which would probably end in disaster, considering death usually leads to such things.

Suddenly, I heard the shuffling of feet, and the scent hit me hard.

Since when did eight year olds have such tracking skills?

His incessant sniffling grew louder, and I swore to myself.

"EMMETT!" the tiny voice boomed.

I quickly broke a piece off a tree.

"What are you _doing_ out here?" Tommy asked once he reached my cleverly thought out hideout.

"Gathering some wood," I said, fiddling with my prop.

"What do you need wood for?" he asked, making me look like a complete idiot.

Since when did eight year olds make indestructible, giant vampires look like complete idiots?

Not that I'm not one, but that's seriously messed up, guys.

"Well, that's a dumb question," I replied, walking away.

"I'm telling Jodie!" Jodie was the head counselor, a forty year old woman devoted to taking care of obnoxious little children in the middle of nowhere for the rest of her life. What a lucky gal.

"It's not like I called _you_ dumb," I said. "Just your question."

"No, not that! Your shoelace is untied! That's a safety hazard!"

…

"Oh, of course." I leaned down and tied my too-long shoelace at a human pace, detesting every second of it.

When I got up, I didn't see him standing in front of me, but I felt him from behind. What…?

Before I could realize what he was about to do, I felt a tiny thud on my back, followed by a long "ooooowwwww".

Crap.

I turned around to see Tommy laying on the ground, his jaw dropped and eyes staring at me.

"What the hell!"

'What the hell?' WHAT THE HELL? What kind of eight year old says what the hell? Did I miss something in this whole life thing?

"What?" I asked innocently.

"That was worse than the time that I ran into the wall at school!" he exclaimed. "Why are you so hard?"

You turn me on.

"I don't know. Are you making fun of my body type?" I said, pretending to feel self-conscious.

The kid pouted, seeming to give up very quickly.

"Fine," he grumbled. "Let's get back to camp, cuz we're making glitter stuff. But don't worry. I make manly stuff…." He made two fists and flexed his undeveloped muscles. "Like skulls. And daggers."

But you're so flamboyant…

"I make unicorns," I said shamelessly.

Then Tommy seemed to sigh. "Okay, good. Cuz I really wanted to make one of those kitties that come with the stencils.

"Hey, that's pretty sick, man."

"Should I get the first aid kit?"

Oh, boy.

**Yeah, that Demetri Martin thing?**

**the glitter comment about skulls&daggers and stuff, **

**that was part of his material.**

**the guy's amazing. :D**

**i'm so excited for finally updating a previously written story, **

**other than adding new ones.**

**woo!**

**reviews are fragrant.**

**XD**


	5. i'm right here, bear

**disclaimer: I'm a bear, etc.**

**Bella's POV:**

Emmett burst through the door holding what looked like a glob of glitter and glue. Was it a cat?

"FRIENDS!" he announced loudly, expecting us to gather 'round for his announcement. I would have walked away if Edward hadn't pulled me into the living room.

Everyone seemed to be looking around the room awkwardly. I'm not entirely sure why. We all waited for Emmett to make his announcement, but he just stood there like an idiot.

**Emmett's POV: **

They thought I was just standing here like an idiot. Idiots. Yes, I was "just

standing here"…or whatever. But I refuse to be called an idiot. That's just flippin' insulting.

"So, today…!" I boomed.

I paused to put the story together in my head.

**Bella's POV:**

He just stood there. He's always starting sentences with no follow up. It's pretty stupid.

**Emmett's POV:**

Got it. "Today, I made a new friend!"

They all applauded as you would a six-year-old who's just made a new friend in the first grade.

I decided to continue anyway. "So this kid Tommy almost asked me if I was a vampire, sort of, and—"

"_What?!_" Rosalie exclaimed. "Another? Don't tell me you've fallen in love with this Timmy kid and decided to bring him to meet us, too, because your situation is completely different from Edward's!" she sputtered.

"No. That's just weird. _Tommy_ just slammed into me and freaked out, it was totally no big deal. I played it off all cool and everything." She rolled her eyes.

Bella heaved a sigh. She's always trying to act all sarcastic and stuff. It's annoying, why can't she just admit that I'm awesome? "So..?" she asked.

"So, what?"

"Was there a point to the story?" she asked, deliberately slowly.

"Yes, there was, but you're too dim to get it!" I retorted, deliberately at vampire speed so that she couldn't understand me. I was good.

She scoffed. "_I'm _the dim one?" she said, and walked away. I stood flabbergasted. Really?

Alice laughed. "Emmett, once she's a vampire, she's totally gonna kick your butt at, like, everything."

"What was the point of saying that right now?" I asked, annoyed.

"To annoy you."

Well, damn. It worked. This must be stopped.

"Well, I'm delighted," I said with a grin. She, too, walked away, and Jasper followed her like a lost puppy.

Only Rosalie and Edward were left standing. Carlisle was at the hospital and Esme was raiding The Home Depot.

"Well, peace," I said and everyone dispersed.

**The next day:**

I stood on a tree stump and clapped my hands. "CHILDREN!" I bellowed.

They all stood up from their pretzel-style positions on the ground and bellowed "EMMETT!" back. I smiled. What nice kids.

"So, today, we are going to go hiking."

They cheered in delight. I guess kids liked to be poked and prodded by thorns.

We started the hike by trudging up a big hill. Well, it was big for them, but not for me, of course. I could run up Mount Everest in seven seconds flat.

About eight minutes into the hiking trip, I saw, and smelled, something in the distance.

Then one of the children made it painfully obvious. "IT'S A BEAR!" she shrieked. Chaos. They all ran amuck and flailed their arms. As if that could help. I thought quickly about what there was that I could do. I couldn't kill and drink from the thing right in front of them.

It roared. Ooh. It's an irritable grizzly….

No, I couldn't. Just then, Tommy interrupted my thoughts with something completely absurd.

He stood there in plain sight, clapping, and saying, "I'm right here, bear! I'm right here! I'm Tommy, and you're a bear! I'm right here!"

What the fruit snacks?

"What are you doing?" I asked him, loudly.

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing! They taught me to do this when I went camping with my parents!"

I rolled my eyes. "I think you mean they taught you to clap and charge at the bear going "YA! YA!" I told him as I demonstrated.

The bear fled.

"Oh…they failed to tell me that part…"

"Yeah, that might have helped."

"Can we go eat our granola now?" a small girl asked.

"Yeah, sure."

We went back to camp so the kids could eat their granola. No fair. They get their snack but I had to chase mine away….

**Okay, first off: to get that "I'm right here, bear" thing, you should probably watch this: /watch?vlL59mauFEsc&featurerelated (that's Mike Birbiglia's "I'm A Bear, etc", from which I got that from.**

**You'd see the point after watching just the second part, but it's way funnier if you watch both parts 1 and 2. The link is to part 1. (if it doesn't work, just type "i'm a bear, etc" into youtube and you'll find it)**

**I don't know if anyone actually will or not, but whatever. Just for some laughs, the guy is awesome.**

**kaybye, thanks for reading (:**


	6. tallyhoe!

**Yay! An update! I'm rather excited. (:**

The sky was overcast; the perfect condition for me to be able to show my skin outside. The excited youngsters were eating their revolting snacks when Jane, the head counselor, marched into the pavilion sounding her pathetic little blow horn. She had probably found that thing on a tricycle.

"Campers!" she shouted, ordering the little ten-year-olds to attention. "Your counselors will now take you to the changing headquarters, so make sure you have your bathing suits!" 'Headquarters'. Seriously, it's a bunch of stalls with a bench and hook attached.

The kids cheered at the prospect of going swimming.

We made our way to the hardcore headquarters. It was a long walk, so the speed that we were walking was driving me insane. I could have been there and back forty times by the time we had only gotten a quarter of the way there.

Finally, we reached the horrendously small changing rooms. I had already worn my swim trunks underneath, so as to not attempt to fit in one of those things.

We headed over to the pool, towels and, in some cases floaties, in hand.

"TALLY-HOE!" one boy screamed as he threw himself into the water. Who even said that anymore?

Everyone got into the pool, some yelping at the temperature. It felt fine to me, even warm, but of course I was an exception.

I was floating in the water, just minding my own business, when I saw a very determined looking boy about to jump in the water just above me. I quickly moved out of the way, so that he wouldn't crash into me and question my body type like Timmy had.

He emerged out of the water after hurtling into it off the edge of pool, spitting out chlorine-filled liquid out of his mouth. Ew. He then proceeded to climb on top of me.

"What are you doing?" I asked cautiously.

"YOU'RE LIKE A BOAT!" the loud boy exclaimed. Was he serious?

"I'm not going to ride you around the pool," I warned him.

"YES YOU WILL!" Again with the shouting. I heard him just fine.

Suddenly, the entire population of the pool had turned to stare at me. Before I knew it, they were all swarming around me, shrieking excitedly.

"What are you all doing?!" I shouted.

"BOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" Loud Boy screamed. Not before long, I was being toppled by a bunch of children.

My being a strong vampire, of course I _could _do it, and quite fast, too. I just didn't want to. Why should I?

I stuck my head out of the crowd of bodies, only to see Jane raising an eyebrow at me. I heaved a sigh and turned over so that my stomach was on the water. "Let's go," I said flatly.

I spent the entire swim period parading around the pool with a bunch of little kids on my back. It wasn't my proudest moment.

**That "GO" button probably looks really tempting right now.**

**Right? Eeeeeh? RIIIIGHT?**

**I would hope so. I like reviews. (:**

**Anyways, hope you liked it! **


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